Confronting Aging
I recognize that the headline inherently limits the potential audience for this piece (and possibly for this blog overall). That is unfortunate. We’re not going to be beautiful, sexy and gorgeous twenty-somethings forever. Age happens to all of us, one day at a time.
We might feel like we are perpetually in our glorious and sexually-indulgent twenties. In my head, I’m still 29 and holding. Reality tells a slightly different story.
Physical Reality Is One Thing…
I have a dad bod. I’m assured with absolutely sincerity that it is an exquisitely sexy dad bod. Which is delightful. But I am by no means svelte. I actually like my legs, and think I have a pretty good ass. My Goddess is quite covetous of other… assets. I have a ready smile, twinkling and mischievous eyes, and perpetual creases at the corners because they crinkle every time I laugh. Which is a lot.
Age still takes its toll. The plumbing isn’t as reliable as it once was, especially if I’m tired or stressed. I can no longer stay awake all night without consequences (despite seemingly still trying to do so on a semi-regular basis). I need to pay attention to my blood pressure. I also need to pay (more) attention to what I eat. I ache (and not in the good way) more than I used to.
…But It Is Not The Only Thing
Those might be the physical realities of the second half of life, but they are by no means constraints. They just represent the reality that I need to manage and work with.
On the other side of the balance sheet, I bring all that is fifty years of me to the table. A lot of life, a great deal of learning and an exceptional amount of experience.
As I’ve pointed out already, I’ve known that I have been kinky my whole life. I have thought about, fantasized, dreamed of being submissive, endlessly. I have acted on those impulses comparatively rarely.
The Mistakes I Might Have Made
In my twenties and into my thirties, I struggled to articulate what it was that I wanted from my submission. I was afraid to ask for it. I was deeply embarrassed and fearful of the humiliation and shame that could result from asking for exactly what I needed and craved, and then being rejected for it. I still got to experience that hurt enough for it to be a source of active discouragement.
I can’t even begin to enumerate all the mistakes that I would have made entering into a dominant/submissive relationship earlier in life. My ego was far too wrapped up in my identity. I would have been far more focused on wanting and experiencing and expecting, not serving and delighting. Topping from below would have been a very real risk and fear—and probably a reality.
The Insights I Have Gained
Whether I would have learned over time—whether I would have developed the tools and approaches to manage those expectations and let go of my own personal fulfilment wants—is an unanswerable question. It did not happen, so I’ve got no insight to offer in terms of how it might have played out.
What I do know is that I bring a very different level of confidence to a relationship now. I know who I am. I know my value and I am certain of the worth of what I have to offer. I have more depth and complexity than I had in my youth. I also have greater clarity of who I am and what I’m looking for. Perhaps most importantly, I’ve been able to step away from the ego-driving emphasis on what I want and place far greater emphasis on what I can offer in service to another.
Reframing The Kink We Want
That has made negotiating a submissive relationship a very interesting experience, and also a delightful one. I feel no less kinky that I did in my youth—I am possibly kinkier, and arguably more open and willing to explore. I am much more confident in expressing my interests and desires, and communicating them clearly and directly. More importantly, I am far more able to listen, hear and be attentive to the desires of my partner. I am also far less evasive than I would have been in the past about topics of potential shame or discomfort, and recognize the value of answering direct questions clearly and well.
It has long been said that the brain is the biggest sexual organ we have. With love, creativity, humour and willing exploration, our capacity for amazing and awesome sex simply gets better over time. That is true in terms of physical expression—as we really learn to listen to and experience the sensations our bodies are capable of. It is most especially true in mental connection, in being immersed so exquisitely in the emotional passion and imaginative playfulness of another human being who cares deeply about you and your experience and your pleasure.
I am discovering with gratefulness and delight that there is indeed kink over fifty. So very much so. Perhaps more wonderfully, it just keeps exponentially improving.