The Layers Of Us
The Layers Of Us

The Layers Of Us

Defining Service

At this point it should come as a surprise to no one that I am incredibly submissive.

I have long suspected this of myself. I have wanted to embrace and inhabit it. I have only recently been able to do so. The wonder of the last few months has been finding a loving and willing partner who connects with me so profoundly, so that I can start to inhabit my submission in a meaningful way. Someone who leads confidently, and looks to me to serve and adore and love them in return.

What that service looks like is broad and all encompassing. Which is where the impetus for this post started. My Goddess looks for—and at times expects—service in a variety of different contexts. I should be aware and anticipate. I should ideally be attentive to her needs, and beyond ecstatic to be of service in responding to what she desires, expects or requires. That is all the wonderful. It also feels incredibly expansive.

This is Different

What we have both discovered, in our own way, is that this relationship feels different than either of us expected. It doesn’t work in the way that is theoretically articulated in your typical dominant and submissive construct. It doesn’t respond to the tropes that get celebrated in terms of what dominants require and submissives look for.

The reality—unfortunately—is that a lot of relationships that embody dominance and submission tend to look fundamentally transactional in nature. They are about sexual play and power exchange, and that is where they begin and end. Where there is sexual tension and desire, play happens. Where there is not, the dynamic is inoperative—or at least dormant. When both partners are in the zone and feeling their role, magic can happen. When one or both are not, there is seemingly little framework to engage and explore.

Defining the Dynamic

That traditional mode of dominance and submissions has never really worked for us. As I’ve explained before, I never really expected to enter into a submissive relationship, or to fall in love as a consequence. And yet, here I am. Smitten and besotted and incredibly adoring. What is important to acknowledge here is that love happened before the dynamic did.

My Goddess and I built a relationship that started in friendship. We interacted because we enjoyed each other, valued each other and found someone that we resonated with. We shared perspectives and intimacies as familiars. We celebrated successes and commiserated challenges. We treated each other as human beings.

What we also discovered, over time, was a level of sympathetic desire for something more. While we started our interactions believing or at least fearing that getting here wasn’t possible, we both found ourselves wanting and craving this reality. Wistful desire turned into concrete structure. She led, I followed. She dominated, I submitted. So far so fine. Except it didn’t fully work the way that you might normally expect.

Challenging the Usual Tropes

One of the more intriguing aspects of our relationship is that we are both incredibly empathetic. We have an astonishing capacity to know and recognize and acknowledge what the other is feeling. We also both very much want to support and celebrate the other, and provide the emotional support that they need.

In the words of my Goddess, “I take care of my toys incredibly well.” And she absolutely does. She identified herself as indulgent and caring at the outset, and that has always been the truth.

I have also been incredibly focused and attentive to her needs. My goal is to know where she is and how she is doing, and to support her in whatever might be necessary or required or simply helpful. On some level, this has been her dream in terms of a submissive. It has also been surprisingly elusive.

The interesting thing is that—for all that this intent is recognized by both of us—we each fall into the shorthand of using tropes that fall outside of this. We find ourselves going along with the idea that requiring is dominance, or serving is submission. Sometimes that is true. Sometimes it is not.

Finding Our Way to Us

What we have ultimately come to appreciate is that our relationship has several different levels that are in play at the same time. We began as—and still remain—friends. We respect each other as people first and foremost. That is our foundation, and both of us are committed that we will never retreat from that truth.

We are also lovers, and in love. We both fell early, and hard, and that hasn’t gone away. There is a dimension of partnership and respect that centres on the fact that we love each other enormously, and that simply isn’t going anywhere.

We also play together. We are dominant and submissive, and that is a core part of how both of us identify—individually, and within the dynamic of Us. When we want to play, we play hard, and within the specific dimensions of the role that each of us inhabits.

Accepting the Truth of Those Differences

What is intriguing is that even though we know and acknowledge the fact that these dimensions all exist—and that the tropes around dominance and submission simply are what they are—we find ourselves getting sucked in.

In a recent conversation about me investing love and attention towards someone I cared about as a human being going through a rough patch, she made the comment, “I know it’s your job, but I really appreciate you being there for me.”

In the context of my submission, it would be my job. In the context of this particular exchange, my submission had nothing at all to do with it. My love was having a really bad day, she was struggling for equilibrium and balance, and she needed hugs and love. This is normal. This is human. This is the most natural impulse in the world.

Despite that truth, there was a perception that this had to get framed as being a component of my service. That can happen, certainly. It can be expected that I should be an affectionate and adoring bear. But it isn’t required. There are going to be days where what is needed has nothing to do with sex and power dynamics, and everything to do with love and empathy and simply taking care of each other.

Finding Our Equilibrium

What we have come to recognize is that our relationship has multiple layers, all of which are on some level and to some degree present all of the time. 

We relate to each other as people. We are partners. And we play together. 

That this is true is all the wonderful. Inhabiting one level, however, does not negate the others. Ultimately, those layers are a hierarchy. If the person isn’t connected, partnership is hard. If the partner isn’t served, than the play is not going to be possible. It simply isn’t a question of, “Oh. Sorry you’re having a bad day; call me when you are feeling better, and we can have some sexy time.” For us, this isn’t even an operative possibility. And yet for others, it feels like that is a pretty normal reality.

If either of us is having a bad day, addressing that is a priority for the other. We care about each other as people too much, and are too sensitive to any circumstances that would threaten that truth. We will both go to the ends of the earth to look after the other. That is all the wonderful. I’ve just come to appreciate that it isn’t necessarily all that common.

Continuing to Expand the Wonder of Us

It is true that there is relationship within the dynamic. I adore and serve my Goddess. She nurtures and protects me. Those facts alone create more nuance and context than the traditional tropes of dominant demanding and submissive supplication.

Just as there is relationship inside the dynamic, though, there is also relationship around and outside the dynamic. We are first and foremost individuals and people. We are lovers and partners. While I adore my Goddess in the context of my submission and devotion, I feel indescribable amounts of love and wonder for her simply as me, appreciating her. She is an amazing and awesome human being, and I have utter gratitude that she has welcomed me into her life and holds me as hers.

Fulfilling the dimensions of person and partner is fundamental. Without that, being plaything is immaterial, irrelevant and entirely transactional. That is not the dynamic that either of us want. I aspire to be a loving bear to my Goddess in perpetuity. For that to occur, I need to care of her as person. I need to love her as partner. Then, and only then, is it possible for me to be her pet.

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