How Did I Get Here?
How Did I Get Here?

How Did I Get Here?

Exploring Origins

How did I get here?

The same way that each of us do. One day at a time.

Hoping for the future. Dealing with the present. Wrestling with the past.

I have always been kinky. Literally from the first formation of sexual desire, my orientation has been towards service. Submission. Being controlled by another for their pleasure. 

Where this comes from, I haven’t a clue. And I’m not going to even attempt to psychoanalyze myself. I accept and know it is true, and that suffices. 

Stumbling Awkwardly

This is not to say that my certainty of orientation comes with a level of confidence and assured self-expression. I am not always comfortable expressing my needs, and I have not always done it well. If I did, I would have had a much different life. I have no thoughts on better or worse, but it would certainly have been different.

Virtually every one of my partners has known to some degree that I am kinky. I’ve apparently been able to be remarkably persuasive in that regard. Within a very few weeks of losing my virginity, for example, I was being tied to the bed. There have been explorations and adventurousness on a number of fronts, in where sex has happened, in how it has occurred, and in who has done what to whom.

Now What Do We Do?

The challenge in that is that the excitement that derives from such scenarios isn’t a product of getting tied to the bed. It’s what comes after that. Now that you have me here, what happens next? Theoretically, that is a delightful place of tension, opportunity and uncertainty. The tragedy is what happens when those occasions are not seized and the possibilities stay theoretical. There is nothing quite so discouraging as being told, “Sure I’ll tie you up. But don’t expect me to be paying attention to you for the next couple of hours.”

Contained within that truth are a number of challenges. Compatibility. Openness of communication. Alignment of wants. Interests in the same thing.

Learning How To Suppress Me

Kink is a broad spectrum. The playing field has a lot of spaces. The playing pieces don’t always follow the same rules. The game that one wants to play does not necessarily align with someone else’s.

As a consequence, while I may have known that I am kinky my entire life, I have not necessarily had the opportunity to fully express that. I have learned to suppress the parts of me that aren’t valued, appreciated or wanted. No matter how much love and affection might exist (and there has been a great deal) it is a challenge when the fervent wants of one aren’t reciprocated or recognized by the other.

The inevitable result is that you bury. Hide. Suppress. Deny. Pretend that your desires don’t exist. That they aren’t serious. That you don’t mean them. That you can get by without expressing them and seeing them fulfilled.

Figuring Out How To Express Me

For the majority of my adult years, this has been my journey. Knowing what I value and want, confronting and addressing what is not accepted within that, and working to process and deal with what that means. For a number of years, this has resulted in some of my core desires being locked away. They have been packed in a secure box, wrapped in chains, and buried deep within the recesses of the earth. Invisible. Unseen. Unexplored. Inaccessible.

Here’s the thing, though. Those wants and desires never go away. They’re there. They are always there. Nagging at the edges of your consciousness, tugging on your sense of identity and purpose, wanting attention. Needing to be addressed.

They know how to get your focus, even when you think attention is what you most want to repress.

When Expression Gets Messy

That’s right. For all that you think that you suppress and deny your wants, they have the upper hand. You can pretend they don’t matter. You can deny they exist. You can lock them away and ignore them. But they are always there, tugging and nudging and poking. Prompting you. Wanting to be fed. Needing to be attended to, and demanding to be seen. The more you deny them, the more insistent they get.

All of that led me to a place where—on the other side of fifty—I am being confronted vehemently by desires I have suppressed for literally decades. Eruptions of need and want and insistence that clamour to be attended to. My attempt at being mature and responsible has just resulted in my kinks getting really immature and demanding and belligerent. This is not a recipe for balance, peace or harmony, on any terms.

This is not to say that I haven’t had a good life. I have strong relationships. I have numerous interests that I immerse myself in. I enjoy my work, and I’m exceptionally good at it. In the cosmic scheme of things, I am in a very good place.

Bringing My Secrets Into The Light

The only problem is that I have a kink-shaped hole in my world that has never truly been filled. That has progressively started to gnaw at me, in real and material ways.

I recently read something that suggested that midlife crises occur when secrets you have held can no longer be denied. That feels true. My innermost me has clamoured for attention, and has simply become more insistent the more that it has been ignored. 

That means that—for me—it is time for the secrets and longings to stop being locked away. To leave the shadows and step into the light. To own my needs with pride, rather than apologizing for them in shame. 

Welcome to is part of that journey. It is my reflection on confronting who I am and becoming who I am meant to be. It is my place to document and explore my path to becoming the very best bear that I can be. 

I am a bear in the second half of life, finally exploring what it truly means to submit, to serve and to give myself to another. It has taken a very long time to get here, but I couldn’t be happier that I have finally arrived. I look forward to the path unfolding and to discovering where it takes me. I hope you will take part, and accompany me along the path to becoming the bear that I am meant to be.

Who are you, and what is your journey to here?

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